Reclaiming "Family Values"

With the upcoming election and current scandalous news stories there is a lot of talk of “family values.” The term has become synonymous with a very narrow view of what constitutes a family. It is often used as a raciest, sexist, classist, heteronormative term that is discriminatory. I think as a society we should reclaim this term. “Family values” should be used to describe families in the broadest sense.

Families that differ from this narrow definition have value and deserve to be treated well and respected. These other families can be beautiful, healthy, loving and valuable even if they look different from our own.

If we reclaim the term family values to be more inclusive, I’m not sure what term we would use to replace the current limited phrase. Food for thought. Peace and love.

Notes on a ten-year reunion from a ten-year reunion survivor

The dreaded high school reunion. I attended mine this past Saturday. I’m embarrassed to admit in the months leading up to the reunion I was apprehensive, to say the least. I think “nervous as all get out” would be a more appropriate way to describe it.

Getting ready for the reunion I felt like a 15 year old getting ready for a homecoming dance. Naturally, all of the high school insecurities creep back in. I can only speak for myself, but I don’t think most people would choose to relive their preteen/ teen years. So many hormones. So many emotions.

As a 28 year old I was concerned I wouldn’t be successful enough, likeable enough, or extraordinary. I don’t have a lucrative career, I live with roommates, I’m unmarried, I’m not a model, I don’t have children, etc. And although I’ve had many interesting experiences, when you begin to hold your life up to an insurmountable measuring stick it inevitably leads to you feeling small.

I should note that I was not the target of high school bullying. I was certainly never popular (cue the marching band and lots of other academic clubs), but I’d like to think I was at the very least considered nice by some of my peers. But I was a teenager, and I did experience the discomfort that comes with that territory. I vividly remember walking down the hallway my junior year and wanting so badly to be invisible. As a prepared for the reunion, I was struck by the fear that maybe I had succeeded in being invisible. Maybe no one would remember me. How awful- to be completely forgotten.

And yet, with trepidation, I decided to go. Some of that decision came with the aid of being 28 and knowing that I’ve survived worse things in my life, and unfortunately would probably face worse. It also helped to talk to older and wiser folks who all said they had positive experiences at their reunions. And sometimes, damn it, I just want to be brave. It also doesn’t hurt, that at 28, if I am uncomfortable in a situation I can always just leave- I don’t need to call my mom to have her rescue me in the mini-van.

During the first thirty minutes of the reunion every single person I talked to told me that they felt extremely uncomfortable, they almost bailed, and that they were super nervous. Turns out I wasn’t the only one. There is some comfort in knowing that some human emotions are universal. Everyone reverts back to old insecurities, and everyone has a healthy fear of the unknown.

Honesty, ten years gives people a lot of time and space to grow up. If you chose to go to your reunion, give people the benefit of the doubt- trust that maybe they too have grown up. If you were a bully in high school- apologize. If you were bullied in high school- I’m genuinely sorry you had to experience that and I hope that you are living a peaceful and productive life. If your experiences were too traumatic, I understand and respect your decision not to go, and I hope that by your twentieth you feel more comfortable.

Only about 100 out of the 613 (please don’t ask why by brain refuses to forget the number of people in my graduating class) showed up. Most of the super “popular” kids aka bullies didn’t come. Some were probably too busy, and some were probably too embarrassed of their past behavior. And most of the kids who were bullied didn’t come either. Some were probably too busy, and some were probably too uncomfortable. I wish they would have come, and I wish some bridges could have been mended.

When deciding if you should go, I would encourage you to boldly be your beautiful imperfect human self and know that everyone else is imperfect too.   

Love and society

http://shaunaniequist.com/significant-without-significant/

This is something to keep in mind. I feel like there is always so much pressure to find a match. I feel that society can make single people feel like failures. I think people need to focus on what works best for them in their own lives and not force anything. That being said I'm very open to love right now- I guess time will tell

Death and grief- going home?

How fortunate we are to be different than animals- to experience the power of love, the moments of excitement, joy, anger, and hope- but with it, we also must experience the perils of grief and loss. Would it be better to be like other living animals- to just be able to live in the primal moment? As much as I would answer that question in the affirmative when in the throngs of grief, I do believe there is truth to the sentiment that the only way to truly appreciate the warmth and light of summer is to know the cold dark winter. I know that we experience emotional pain because we have the comprehensive capabilities to understand love. This is a double-edged sword. So is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

I express these thoughts from the position of having lost my father just over 3 months ago, and knowing that my grandmother is currently in the hospital most likely to suffer the same fate several weeks shy of her 93^rd birthday. This has been a year of grief and loss.

There are steps you are supposed to take in preparing for a funeral- everything is lined out for you to do. It’s after the funeral that things get real tricky- when the order and structure fade to silence and your left alone with your grief. How do you put yourself back together again? There is no one-size fits all method- everyone must face and deal with grief in their own time. But the sentiments I found repeated to me over and over were that how I move forward is my choice- that I should feel the pain but not drown in it, that whatever I am feeling is ok and is right, and that I will do what is best for myself in my own time. As strange as grieving a loved one will inevitably feel, you will pick yourself up and you will move forward- because the world will continue to turn.

People often mention the phrase “going home” when discussing lost loved ones. I hope that my dad went home- to be with his mother and father. I don’t think that spiritually or emotionally I am ready to unpack that idea yet. I’ve always really wanted to feel a spiritual connection but I don’t currently. Perhaps someday I will feel my father’s presence. Maybe I’ll feel him with me in my laugh- the kind that vibrates in the pit of your stomach, or through a familiar voice on the radio, or perhaps we will meet in a dream.

And so it begins

Most of the time I don't feel like I am real or that the world is actually happening- because when I acknowledge that I'm real I get scared. Most of the time the voice in my head is the narration to a book about my life- it's only when I stop to feel the weight of my breath that I know this isn't a dream. And it's moments like this that make everything seem out of control. I think a lot of people find comfort, happiness, and purpose in religion- I've always wanted to be one of those people. I think I should start journaling again.