On big birthdays

As I am a few months away from my 29^th birthday, I have begun to think about the transition to 30. Birthdays ending in 0s and 5s tend to be universally scary/ monumental.

I’ve been contemplating ways to mark or celebrate this transition. So I turned to trusty google and Pinterest to see compilations of lists that other people believe need to be accomplished by 30.

Some of the examples are lofty- inspiring even. Some of the things you’ve probably already done, decided you have no interest in, or you’re interested but various financial, emotional, etc barriers are in the way. And some of the suggestions are demoralizing and might make you angry- in a way that lists that imply that you “should” have certain experiences might actually make you feel inadequate or like somehow you are failing.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have goals, shouldn’t have lists, and shouldn’t share those lists with your sister-friends on the internet. But what I am instead saying is fuck the lists and their implications of what it means to be an accomplished young woman in society. I’m saying that maybe those lists were written by upper middle class woman whose ability to live abroad in no way make them superior to you. I’m saying that maybe you can have a full, happy, and interesting life that isn’t defined by the parameters of someone else’s list. Maybe you have overcome great obstacles- perhaps you’re the first person in your family to go to college, maybe you raised a child as a teen mom, perhaps you overcame personal tragedy or trauma, maybe you are battling addiction, in remission from cancer, raising younger siblings, wrestling with unemployment, or facing mental health issues. Your story, experiences, and existence have value beyond someone else’s idea of what success at 30 looks like. You do you.

If I were to create a list of things I’ve done it would be ever evolving and a bit messy: I’ve read a lot of books; developed important friendships with compelling individuals; I’ve fallen in love, had my heart broken more than once, broke a few hearts- maybe I learned somethings along the way; traveled to interesting places; I volunteer in my community; I’ve completed several degrees; tried to be a better sister, daughter, and friend; grappled with body image issues; I’ve taken many classes and I was open to new and unique experiences including: intro to fencing, intro to Indian cooking, intro to Stand-up comedy, drawing, acrylic painting, intro to mosaics, social justice for women training, how to make your own green cleaning products, creative writing, emotional intelligence and conflict resolution, etc.; I’ve climbed mountains; camped alone; cried; laughed; asked for a promotion and didn’t get it; gotten a promotion at work; ran marathons, half marathons, sprint triathlons, and completed a half Ironman; did terrible things; did honorable things; made a heck of a lot of mistakes; got some things right; grew apart from some friends, maintained some long-term friendships, made new friends as an adult; I vote and engage in the political process; experience depression; tried to understand faith and the universe; I’ve experienced cowardice and moments of brilliant bravery; my views on feminism, racism, sexism, genderism, ageism, sizeism, etc have evolved and will continue to evolve; survived trauma; and tried really hard to learn how to be happy… it might not be a neat and ordered list, but it belongs to me. Here’s looking at you, 30.

On Professional Rejection

I didn't get the job. I am really disappointed.

My rational self knows that it was likely due to factors beyond my control (the decision could have been made for a million different reasons and likely has nothing to do with me). Perhaps the person they selected was slightly more qualified, maybe they had a personal or a professional connection, or maybe they just interviewed better than me. If this were happening to a friend- I would tell the friend that this doesn't diminish their worth, that they should be so proud they made it to the final round, that they shouldn't let rejection define them, and that they will find something better soon.

My irrational self feels totally rejected. That rejection spirals into not feeling good enough, into feeling like a fuck up, and my self esteem takes a hit.

Why do I allow my self worth to be defined externally? What would happen if I tried to choose to talk to myself as I would talk to a friend- with hope, compassion, and love? Why is my default to be so hard on myself?

Seems like I have a lot of work to do in the self esteem/ emotional resilience department!

Fun Dare #1: Have Fun At a Job Interview

From a previous post: "I started a new project where I asked a bunch of friends to dare me to do something fun (because everyone needs more fun in their lives and I need to lighten up) and then I'll blog about each experience (I'm always looking for writing inspiration). I told everyone that I would do whatever they dared me to do- the only stipulations were that I won't be naked in public and I won't jump out of an airplane- otherwise I'm game." 

Dare #1: Have fun at a job interview

I actually had fun at a job interview earlier this week! I survived a 3.5 hour interview with seven different people and it actually wasn't that bad. It may have helped that:

• I feel super qualified for this job;

• I had mysterious abdominal pains - so I was distracted worrying about that;

• I currently have a job (I'm not satisfied with my current job but it is not an awful situation)- so should I not get this job, I'll still be employed;

• I had already had several phone interviews at this point, and this in-person interview was the final round- so I knew they liked me;

• I prepared 

That being said, I am normally a nervous wreck at job interviews. I took a deep breath and really enjoyed myself. By relaxing a bit I probably came off as more confident. We shall see what happens, but I am happy I tried! I have been working on my self confidence lately and I think this experience really helped. I put out a confident yet fun vibe and that is what was mirrored back to me from the interviewers. I will definitely try this again! Life is too short to be sooooo serious!

Dare me to have fun...

I recently realized that I have become very serious. I read super serious books, I listen to serious podcasts, and I watch crime dramas. I find myself laughing less easily, and getting more easily irritated with strangers (like the person in front of me in the checkout line at the grocery store who is taking forever!!). I am sweating the small stuff! Intellectually, I know that the little irritants are silly and not worth getting upset over, but in the moment I left them get to me. I've decided that I need to make some changes!

I started a new project where I asked a bunch of friends to dare me to do something fun (because everyone needs more fun in their lives and I need to lighten up) and then I'll blog about each experience (I'm always looking for writing inspiration). I told everyone that I would do whatever they dared me to do- the only stipulations were that I won't be naked in public and I won't jump out of an airplane- otherwise I'm game. 

So far the suggestions folks have responded with are: 

• take a salsa dancing lesson, 
• take a cooking class or motorcycle repair class or home repair class, 
• walk around Chicago telling strangers embarrassing stories about myself and see if they will share some with me, 
• I was dared to have fun on an upcoming job interview, 
• And I was dared to go camping alone! 

I'm still waiting for 7 people to get back to me so this could get interesting!

Reclaiming "Family Values"

With the upcoming election and current scandalous news stories there is a lot of talk of “family values.” The term has become synonymous with a very narrow view of what constitutes a family. It is often used as a raciest, sexist, classist, heteronormative term that is discriminatory. I think as a society we should reclaim this term. “Family values” should be used to describe families in the broadest sense.

Families that differ from this narrow definition have value and deserve to be treated well and respected. These other families can be beautiful, healthy, loving and valuable even if they look different from our own.

If we reclaim the term family values to be more inclusive, I’m not sure what term we would use to replace the current limited phrase. Food for thought. Peace and love.

Notes on a ten-year reunion from a ten-year reunion survivor

The dreaded high school reunion. I attended mine this past Saturday. I’m embarrassed to admit in the months leading up to the reunion I was apprehensive, to say the least. I think “nervous as all get out” would be a more appropriate way to describe it.

Getting ready for the reunion I felt like a 15 year old getting ready for a homecoming dance. Naturally, all of the high school insecurities creep back in. I can only speak for myself, but I don’t think most people would choose to relive their preteen/ teen years. So many hormones. So many emotions.

As a 28 year old I was concerned I wouldn’t be successful enough, likeable enough, or extraordinary. I don’t have a lucrative career, I live with roommates, I’m unmarried, I’m not a model, I don’t have children, etc. And although I’ve had many interesting experiences, when you begin to hold your life up to an insurmountable measuring stick it inevitably leads to you feeling small.

I should note that I was not the target of high school bullying. I was certainly never popular (cue the marching band and lots of other academic clubs), but I’d like to think I was at the very least considered nice by some of my peers. But I was a teenager, and I did experience the discomfort that comes with that territory. I vividly remember walking down the hallway my junior year and wanting so badly to be invisible. As a prepared for the reunion, I was struck by the fear that maybe I had succeeded in being invisible. Maybe no one would remember me. How awful- to be completely forgotten.

And yet, with trepidation, I decided to go. Some of that decision came with the aid of being 28 and knowing that I’ve survived worse things in my life, and unfortunately would probably face worse. It also helped to talk to older and wiser folks who all said they had positive experiences at their reunions. And sometimes, damn it, I just want to be brave. It also doesn’t hurt, that at 28, if I am uncomfortable in a situation I can always just leave- I don’t need to call my mom to have her rescue me in the mini-van.

During the first thirty minutes of the reunion every single person I talked to told me that they felt extremely uncomfortable, they almost bailed, and that they were super nervous. Turns out I wasn’t the only one. There is some comfort in knowing that some human emotions are universal. Everyone reverts back to old insecurities, and everyone has a healthy fear of the unknown.

Honesty, ten years gives people a lot of time and space to grow up. If you chose to go to your reunion, give people the benefit of the doubt- trust that maybe they too have grown up. If you were a bully in high school- apologize. If you were bullied in high school- I’m genuinely sorry you had to experience that and I hope that you are living a peaceful and productive life. If your experiences were too traumatic, I understand and respect your decision not to go, and I hope that by your twentieth you feel more comfortable.

Only about 100 out of the 613 (please don’t ask why by brain refuses to forget the number of people in my graduating class) showed up. Most of the super “popular” kids aka bullies didn’t come. Some were probably too busy, and some were probably too embarrassed of their past behavior. And most of the kids who were bullied didn’t come either. Some were probably too busy, and some were probably too uncomfortable. I wish they would have come, and I wish some bridges could have been mended.

When deciding if you should go, I would encourage you to boldly be your beautiful imperfect human self and know that everyone else is imperfect too.   

Love and society

http://shaunaniequist.com/significant-without-significant/

This is something to keep in mind. I feel like there is always so much pressure to find a match. I feel that society can make single people feel like failures. I think people need to focus on what works best for them in their own lives and not force anything. That being said I'm very open to love right now- I guess time will tell